in a place full of people and music, i see you. suddenly, unprepared. no you’re not really there i know. but you’re my only connection to really feel. pain?connectedness at all? you’re leaning against the wall and you’re smiling. so beautiful it still kills, ends me all over. i run away because i can’t stand to see you, all the while knowing that i created you. created a monster. but why?

i run away, i run home to my sanctuary. i pass cars and doorsteps and walls on the way. they’re in the shadows. at least they’re not you. at last. they’re faceless. but i can’t escape the fact they’re all dead. i can’t escape the sound of my own footsteps. silently screaming. screaming at me. screaming from me. it’s not like they had a fulfilling life. i can’t figure this out. what do you want me to do to make it better?

no dear, don’t worry, i know i’m just scaring myself. this lingering simply has to give. get. me somewhere. i’m just wondering. what i wouldn’t give to be offically mad and give this a name. fear and uncertainty doesn’t quite have that ring to it. i’m not insane, but way too sane. and so very eager to learn. from mistakes?

but i’ve never been able to listen to what’s happening outside of my head. all i can ever do is listen to my own panicky voice. wondering if i am for a fact going insane. and why. 

so i keep running, i’m home. you’re gone. they’re gone. and the most comforting thing, i seem to be gone. there is nothing inside, i’m completely empty. 

and for the first time, this is all i want. i feel like you. i feel like them. i don’t feel like me. but i don’t feel like anything that belongs here. 

and this is all i learned. this world is no place for people like me. to be happy. but then again, who is?

but why?

i can see you there. you’ve managed to clear you head and leave with no feelings attached. how did you do it? how come you’re not insane or deadly unhappy?why?

the unfairness of live is actually its indifference, i know this. all anybody ‘deserves’ is a shot at hope. and it’s just a glimpse. every once in a while. it’s what’s keeping us alive, you alive, me alive. 

but why?

the ground has been pulled out from underneath but that only means that i’m walking with a falling sensation.

losing the last thing i could trust in doesn’t hurt anymore. doesn’t hurt like the others. but it’s extra frightening. 

oh well can’t say that i really care this time since it’s my mind i’m loosing. 

loosing my mind and feeling ok.

and why ask why anyway?